All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
