I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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