Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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