Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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