True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
