I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
