I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I hate your face
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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