Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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