dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
