Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
