I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just invented taco cereal.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
