shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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