Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I need a burrito and a hug.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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