I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
