My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
