I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
