i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
