in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
