my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
