Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
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