When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
God I need to hump something, right now.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
