If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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