I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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