You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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