Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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