Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize