i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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