The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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