I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
