then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
