i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Send help, water and tortillas.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
