Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
