My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
