I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
