I'm pants shitting drunk right now
this boner is exhausting
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
