Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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