We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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