I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
