Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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