Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
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I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
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I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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