I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
