My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
