Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
