It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
