Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
