They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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