I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
