Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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