Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
