I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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