I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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