Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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