Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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