What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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