Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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