I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
