It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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