im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
