lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
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I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.