So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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