So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
