I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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