the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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