Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
